So it’s been a week and a couple of days since finding about the cancer.

And I’m spent.

I have been extremely exhausted.
Dealing with work, sorting out my parents financials and their prospective wills (thats been an emotional rollercoaster in itself), being the spokesperson for our family for the hospital and trying to decipher the medical terms thrown at me on a daily basis,constantly dealing with visitors as they come in, doing household chores, my sister’s stupid antics and her emotional instability.

But worse of all:never knowing what condition my mum will be in when I visit her at the hospital(I come everyday, usually after work and weekends I sit with her to keep her company).

There are days where she’s very happy, chatty and likes to participate in slanderous gossip (just like any Asian mother would) and then there are days that are like today…

Today her haemoglobin levels are bad, her blood pressure scarily low, she’s got a blood transfusion going and she’s extremely pale and tired.
She’s not receptive to her meds, some of it has been stopped, some reduced and well I dont know what else to say.

Even though all I do is sit with her to keep her company, most days I come home extremely tired. I crash when I get home but then wake up in the middle of the night realizing the nightmare that our family are living through. So I get broken or little sleep. And then my day starts again…

My fiance says he doesnt want a church wedding anymore and that we should just have a celebrant come to the reception… and be done with that.

This is after the fact that:

- i told him churches were expensive

-that he insisted that it was his childhood dream

-doing all the research about it

-making contact with the church, and being told the price… and still confirming the go ahead

 

But seeing that our wedding is going to be broken up into 2 parts.. thats what he wants to do…

 

i told him to do what he wanted, if he wanted to cancel, he should be the one to email the church to tell them we’re not going to do it there.

he hesitated and said we’d talk it over,

seriously with everything thats going on, if he can’t leave things as they are and wants things to change. HE needs to step up, man up and figure it out. and seriously ball up to tell them he changed his mind. If he expects me to do it, i will seriously brick his face

 

 

Cancer affects you in different ways. For me, it’s having a lump in my throat willing myself not to cry each time I go to visit my mum.

Sometimes the burden is too much and I find myself in tears. Not even realizing that it’s starrted.

I’m also always exhausted. Sleep is broken, filled with dread and constant stress from all different areas.

Cancer is indeed a nightmare…

The business next door to us has had their locks changed and the police come over.

Apparently someone’s been stealing the cash that’s in their office.

They initially suspected the cleaners and they were the first to go.

Then after that, someone rammed their door in… and got to the cash (again)… hence the lock change and the police.

 

It’s unsettling knowing that something as terrible as that is occurring, especially when it’s a happening to a small business and they definitely cannot afford to be ripped off like that.

 

I hope the cops find out who it is that’s been stealing.

 

Wonder what it takes to drive a person to steal from another.

 

 

In stressful times- i comfort eat

probably explains why my fingers are getting so fat- to the point where im struggling to wear my engagement ring

no time to do any re-sizing…

 

but i need to, if i want to still wear it

 

Finally some positive news in all this bleakness.

The doctor rang me to tell me that after the bone marrow testing, that she has a particular chromosome that’s treatable and potentially she may not need a transplant.

Sometimes having cousins who are doctors can be disheartening because they shoot it down and tell you something even worse. Which they did today as well.

But at the end of the day, my cousins- even though they are doctors – do not specialize in leaukemia. So if the treating doctor is positive about it, then we should be as well.

 

My mums also doing pretty well, yesterday when she was weighed she was in shock because she’s gained 2kgs since being hospitalized.

Having her really chirpy and happy has its moments.

But the doctor did warn that due to them starting her treatment (lots of steriods and some chemo), her moods are going to be all over the place (its the steriods)…

Being moody is something we can deal with. Come on – Asians mothers are always unpredictable. This is nothing new.

 

But we’ll cope.

 

Oh- they have moved her into isolation where she’s not with other patients because of the treatment.

 

Yesterday may have been a tough day for me emtionally but it was a good day for my mum.

It’s probably the only time in 2 weeks where she was really chatty, wasn’t so tired and didn’t look so dire.

 

My aunty told me, it wasn’t that way initially in the morning especially after her morning shower- she started fevering (as per the daily usual).  After every fever, my mum usually becomes very weak to the point where she cantt sit up or move her hands to be able to feed herself. My aunty had to spoon feed my mum yesterday. Something she probably hasn’t done for a long time. I suspect the last time was when my mum was a toddler (over 50 years ago)

Having lots of visitors helps.

A random hospital staff member (i think he’s a student from Vietnam) came in and had a chat to my mum, I think having someone different made her lighten up.

By the afternoon and by the time I came by, my mum was in high spirits. I know these will always be cherished and preferred moments. But being in high spirits makes it a lot easier for my mum.

But it still hurts watching the nurses jab endless needles in my mum . It’s either taking out blood, giving blood or a myriad concoction of medication and I know it hurts because she winces, and  is always biting her finger in pain.

Moments like these, I have to look away, i hate the sight of blood, i hate the sight of needles and I hate watching my mum wince in pain. But she doesn’t complain about it. And the needles, are happening every couple of hours on a frequent basis. -_-”

And she never makes a sound- even if the medication hurts because that’s what asian mothers are like.

 

I’m always in awe of my mum- she is one tough cookie.

 

 

 

 

 

Today is a tough day…feeling pretty down.

 

I have had almost 5 days for the news to sink in. There are some moments of the day where I’m really positive because I know my mum is in excellent care.

There are moments where I just start to cry- like when I had to let the bridesmaid know that we might have to push forward our tea ceremony forward because there’s a possibility that my mum might not be around to witness my wedding and that’s one of her dying wishes and to ask for their help- that was hard for me.

There are moments when Im angry, I dont know why our family have been dealt these cards or why it’s my mum (whos nice and kind) who’s sick. I wish it wasnt us.

Then there are moments of despair. Knowing that there’s a very big possibility that she might not survive this cancer kills me inside.

Then there are moments of calmness- especially around my younger sister who’s not as resilent…

 

This is hard- and it’s just the first 5 days….

 

 

My mum has been sick since Sunday the 6th of January.

Initially we thought it was gastro,

but she wasn’t getting any better, she spent a week feeling sick. By Monday of last week (after being ill for a week) she had gone back to the doctor (the 3rd time) and demanded to know what was wrong. So a series of blood tests were conducted.

Her last blood test was Wednesday…

and by this stage she wasn’t getting in better. It was Thursday night that I made the executive decision to take my mum to the emergency department because she was really weak, and very yellow.

The doctors at the local hospital thought she had a liver problem…

a lot of blood tests were conducted…

 

However, it was Friday lunchtime- when I received a call that would change the lives of our family forever.

Our local GP rang to tell me that the blood results had come back, and she was desperately trying to get hold of my mum because she had to be admitted to a specific hospital.

I asked what for? considering she was already at one.

 

The answer was:

Acute Leukeamia.

 

How we went from Gastro- liver problems to Acute Leukeamia is beyond me.

The moment those words were spoken, I burst into tears…and it felt like my world had come crushing down.

 

 

This is my mum, the person who has been caring for me for the last 28 years, super mum….

who is now, tubed up with various medication, having blood transfusion.. etc

 

They say that leukeamia can be treated…children survive it all the time (80%) of the time- adults 40%-65% of the time. I pray that my mum is somewhere in that percentage… because I’m not ready to say goodbye…

and clearly at 54, she’s just too young to die.

 

 

 

 

Today, has perhaps been the worst day in my life.

From the moment I found out the truth, I wished I had been dreaming or that someone had been extremely and utterly wrong.

I shed a lot of tears but put on the bravest face I knew and tried to hold it together… because i didnt want to scare everybody around me.

 

Im not sure whats worse, sitting around trying to find out what’s wrong or finding out what’s wrong and dealing with it.

 

To me, it seems like 2013 is going to be a significantly tough year for us ahead..

I’m shit scared, I don’t know if I have the courage to stand tough but I have to, our lives will change forever…

there will be a lot of tears to be cry, frustration, and angst..

i wish it wasn’t so… but we need to fight this battle together…

 

because we can’t let the cancer win.

 

 

i dont like losing battles… i need to be strong to support the one i love so much fight this through and get better.

 

please pray for us.