There are just some friendships that are just lacking…

and there have been many that i have had to walk away from … some of them from major fall outs

each time, i have to do this, a little part of me dies. I value friendships and when for whatever reason they cannot work out, it makes me extremely sad. 

Perhaps this is a reflection of myself, perhaps Im not as a great friend as i should be? who knows.

but what i have come to accept is that sometimes some people can only walk with me…. only a part of my journey and at whatever point they need to leave because they’re heading in a different direction and it’s too hard to try to make it work.. and so they die out or fade in the background. 

for me, its just a matter of realizing when that journey has ended and accepting it. 

Haven’t yet figured out the legality  side  of the marriage yet as in where I’d be legally married and by whom

I’m not keen on a celebrant unless of course I’m getting married somewhere nice like a garden… but research and costs associated with it makes me want to cry and I don’t want to have the celebrant in my house because getting married at my own home- is so argh (i already live there- i want better memories)

I am not fond of getting married in a temple, even though my parents are buddhists. 

I would have liked to get married at the registry because the location is nice but my partner isn’t keen plus one of my friend’s is already doing that and being that our weddings are kinda somewhat close-ish… i dont really want to be doing the same thing. Not that it should matter

And yes, we keep toying with the idea of getting married in a church… but neither of us are religious. I’d love to be able to walk down the aisle but the costs are worsts than the celebrant idea. 

*sigh*

It’s evident that i didn’t receive the memo this morning…to rock up to work late

I’m the only one in the office… and we’re all supposed to be here from 8.30am.

so im sitting here twiddling my thumbs… thats just great

on another random note- due to Melbourne’s crazy weather where we go from stinking hot, to gross humidity and then back to wintry conditions.

When there is a weather change, especially during peak hour traffic, the road conditions become horrific. Yesterday it took me 2 hours to get home, normally it’s an 1hr drive.

today would probably be no better considering it’s meant to rain and have lots of lightening… GREAT

need to lose weight-

motivation- where the fuck are you?

For me, Sydney will always forever be one of my most favorite cities in the world to visit. 

Growing up, I spent my Christmas and New Year’s at in Sydney, staying with my relatives.

In my late teens, i spent some of my summer holidays in Sydney, staying with friends

and in my 20′s, Sydney became a destination I frequented because of work.

It was on one of these working trips where I met my now fiance. We were both- as many of you know, travelling from Melbourne to Sydney (both for work) and we hit it straight off the bat. 

Sydney is also the place where my partner decided that he was going to propose. Technically it happened mid-flight, so we could have been somewhere past Albury/Wodonga way.

But it happened on the way to Sydney…

and so I guess- you can see my love affair with the city

One of the things I learnt during my “dating” years was to “what attributes” I liked and didn’t like in a man.

sometimes you didn’t know that you liked or disliked an attribute until you came across it.

I once dated a guy (no point in naming names) who I found to be extremely and utterly selfish. In the beginning it didn’t seem that way, as in he was the typical “caring/sharing” type of guy 

His selfishness wasn’t the fact that he didn’t share his food or his stuff. His selfishness boiled down  to the fact that he couldn’t think of anybody else but himself.

A classic example to better explain myself so that we’re on the same page:

“He once went on holidays and came back with thousands of dollars of shopping for himself, he couldn’t spare himself any more money to buy me anything except a “Valentine’s day present” that was 3 months late because apparently it was cheaper to buy overseas

But it wasn’t just me that missed out, his own family (parents and siblings) missed out. This is considering whenever his parents went abroad, they always came back with goodies for him.

He couldn’t even spare the $10 to buy customary key rings that we all do when we’re away.”

And it was to that extent of his selfishness that irked me. I know when I’m away, even if it happened to be interstate (on holidays of course), I’d come back something for my family and friends. Why we do this- no idea.

His selfishness also reminded me of another relationship that I was also in when I was in my late teens where like this other relationship I was in- I seemed to always “invest” a lot of time, money and effort. I remember I used to spend all of my measly pay checks in paying for dinners/movie tickets etc… and when he started working and he had to cough up some money to pay for the bill- he got all apprehensive. The most insulting thing was when I pointed out that I used to pay all the time with my pay check, he quickly rebutted “that wasn’t real pay checks anyway”. It was insulting because I used to slave away at the back of a kitchen in a take away shop working those 4 hours shifts- 3 days a week. -_-”

The BEST or perhaps the “WORST” memory that I ever have of this relationship was when I received the first pay from a full time job. The first thing I did was buy myself a new outfit (something I had never ever done in my life) and  I purchased various items for myself. The bf at the time had the nerve to say to me “you didn’t get me anything” and sulked. Seriously- this was considering I had never spent any money on myself entirely and always putting this other person first…Needless to say, we ended the relationship not long after that.

And with both men- it’s made me realize I hate Men who put themselves first and have no disregard for their other halves. It’s an attribute that doesn’t always show itself until certain circumstances arise and usually it’s not until you’re in the relationship that you find out. I used to tell myself that it was something I could live with but in truth, I know I can’t. It’s too much of a compromise for me, especially when I can be (when I want to be) a very giving person because let’s face it- to some degree we’re all selfish one way or another. I don’t expect my other half to be exactly like me but i can’t live with someone for the rest of my life knowing that they don’t have my best interests at heart because at the end of the day- it’s them that comes FIRST, always.

I used to believe that an attribute like that could change, but it doesn’t. In both relationships, I stupidly stayed for 2 years (in both) in hopes that things would get better, or perhaps with age, people grow up and change…you find yourself being angry a lot for being second best, or missing out and jealous (and you should never feel that way when in a relationship) and then you realize it’s something that you will have to accept. Which is something that took me a long time to realize- there are just some things in life that just aren’t worth compromising on… and for me- this is one of those deal breakers. I know plenty of friends who are more accepting than men.

I stopped doing my facial routine in the mornings and evenings.. and do you know what the result is?

peeling face…

it’s become so dry… now

argh…

so now i have to go back at it.. or else my face will be doomed forever…

i also need to kick start my exercise routine again. i havent lost or gained any weight. which isnt exactly good news because i want to see the kgs dropping

how depressing

Cannot believe 2 weeks from now, Xmas would have been all over and it would be boxing day.

Seriously… how quickly does the year go???

I’ve decided to take 10 days off during this period- works out to be 4 days of actual “work” days taken off which is blardy awesome.

We’ve decided (as in my partner and I) that we would use this opportunity to sit down and work out our “wedding plans”. I told him I couldn’t handle it all on my own and would probably end up as bridezilla if he was not careful. I will probably be that way anyway even if he helps but lets not tell him that.

10 days off work is always exciting!! A mini holiday!

woot!

my partner says that i snore- a little bit too loudly, worst when I’m on my back. Apparently i could wake the dead.

i tell him- if i can’t hear it- then it didn’t happen

and then i get death stares.

i tell him that we have the rest of our lives together for him to either:

- get used to it

-go deaf

Had the most interesting experience yesterday at a wedding.

Was sitting at a table with 4 other people that I knew quite well (including my partner), and there was a couple from Sydney who we didn’t know at all.

The female of the couple was loud, crude and extremely rude.

At one stage, there was a conversation that we were having about “race” which her partner happened to be “Croatian” (same as the friend sitting next to me) and we were all joking about the conflict of Bosnians/Serbians/Croatians (it happened many years ago) and I was trying to say how young people here still choose a side etc. When the rude female kept interrupting me saying stupid shit like “do you want to take it outside so i can explain to you why it’s not relevant”- I ignored her

we- being everybody on the table.. were a bit o.O <— yeh

and i was like thinking “wtf… man”

and everytime i tried to talk, she kept interrupting and then at one point she said “why is this girl still talking”. i seriously wanted to deck her..

and i seriously DID want to take it outside.. and break her face

You know the irony of her getting worked up over it? She’s freakin Malaysian??!?!!?

In another world, I probably would have taken her outside and shoved my heel up her stupid ass but hey—

1. i’m at a wedding

2. she’s not worth the effort

It was more funnier to hear my partner “bitch” about her and the husband all night after we left. He couldn’t stand her at all. He thought she was LAME, hated her boy-ish hair cut and thought her dress was inapporporiate (she wore a purple figure hugging dress)

-_-

and you know- when we asked them how they knew the bride/ groom. The girl gave us this long winded story- short version: she’s the grooms cousins best friend..

i don’t know, she lost me the moment she spoke.

I hope i never have to see her again