January 31, 2013
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despair
What are you supposed to say to someone who says to you “I don’t think I’d be able to make it. The medication is too strong for me. I think I will die”
No matter how much positive reinforcements are used, at the end of the day… they are real fears.
Yesterday was another bad day. It started out terribly- she was throwing up, a side effect from the medication which made her extremely tired. By the afternoon, she sort of perked up and got a bit of energy in her. But you could tell she was exhausted.
My mum’s lost her smile, although being the typical asian mother- i don’t think she smiled much. But even her stern look of “OMG what the fruck are you doing!?!? didn’t i teach you better?” wasn’t there. She looks more ragged than before. She’s really over it.
And yesterday, before going home- that’s what she said to us (her kids). That she didn’t think her body could withstand the amount of meds that she’s supposed to take, especially with the chemo because currently she’s barely coping and it’s just the beginning.
It’s going to get a whole lot worse before it gets a whole lot better.
I have to stop myself from crying, and sound extremely positive and tell my mum that it’s going to be okay.
-Sure it’s going to suck eggs going through treatment but look on the brightside… at least she has a fighting chance. The doctors haven’t given up, neither should she. Part of getting better is to stay positive, if she’s negative- it’s not good.
-even though she’s sick, at least she doesn’t have something terminal.
I already know- she doesn’t buy it.
And this is why it’s hard… because it’s hard watching someone you love go through so much pain, and you’re asking them to fight through this awful pain… and that they’re giving up or wanting to give up. It’s hard to see someone who you’ve respected, admired and loved all these years be so scared and broken.
I hope today is a better day. My cousin usually cheers her up.
